


time is relevant (and frankly there isn't enough of it)

by orphan_account



Category: Vast Error
Genre: (Unless you consider the alt ending), Acting out of grief, Alternative Universe- No Game, Angst, Angst/Comfort, Angst/Recovery, Dealing With Loss, Five Stages of Grief, Gen, Grief, Grief Does Weird Things To Feelings, Hurt/Comfort, I mean kinda but not really, Jentha really misses Dismas, Kinda OCC Murrit, Laivan is a total dad, M/M, Murrit is hard to write, Murrit just rethinks his life choices, Murrit wont play the game without Dismas so the game never happens, Serpaz is the fun mom trying to distract her kid from crying, Taz is bad at feelings but aggressively cares, There's not really any dialogue?, Very brief suicidal thought, but it's because he's in grief, he dies off screen, it's left up to the audience on how exactly that happened, yeah so Dismas just straight up dies in this one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-16
Updated: 2019-08-16
Packaged: 2020-09-02 00:43:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20267236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Murrit considers himself to be mostly in control of his emotions. Of course, there’s a few things he can’t account for, but those things, much like his wildest cards, remain up his sleeve, hidden from prying eyes of the people.Then the best thing that ever happened to him is snatched away and suddenly, Murrit’s cards are all spilled on the floor and he doesn’t know what to do.The Thief of Time runs out of time and it’s there for all to see.(Or in which in an AUish where the game never really happens because Dismas isn’t there to play it)





	time is relevant (and frankly there isn't enough of it)

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah so I was curious what it would be like if like, Dismas just straight up dies before the game even is acquired so I wrote it. Murrit is really hard to write but hopefully it turned out okay.
> 
> Enjoy

The week in which Dismas dies, Murrit drops off the map.

He ignores every message that attempts to comfort him or question him or even see if he’s still alive and that he hasn’t thrown himself in the void-like ocean and been eaten by mutant lusi in a fit of grief.

(The last one was something he thought about for about half a second. Then a voice in his head that suspiciously sounded a lot like Dismas told him he was being stupid and he dismissed the idea completely)

Murrit reads every message he gets and can’t stop himself from his usual habit of watching over every single one of his friends but he makes no move to speak. He doesn’t want to. He lacks the desire to play games with Laivan, to bother Taz or Arcjec about whatever comes to mind- he can’t even bring himself to even think about what he’d say to Jentha. He started sending money to her like Dismas would but that’s as far as he’s gotten in terms of actual contact with anyone.

He doesn’t leave his hive, staying and watching old video footage of Dismas and regarding them with a good sense of fondness and an unhealthy dose of grief.

Grief isn’t a good look on Murrit and he knows it. However, there’s next to nothing he can do about it. His emotions are suddenly more out of control than ever before and Murrit feels helpless to stop it. It makes it worse, feeling unable to control something he thought he could keep under wraps. 

But nothing can be done.

Murrit blows through four of the five stages of grief within the first week. In fact, he feels like a few times, he regressed and experienced them again a few times

Denial is brief. Of course, he didn’t want Dismas to be dead but he really can’t help the facts. He tries to reason that maybe he can just heal himself and bounce back up again but as much as he can act and pretend to be one, Murrit is no idiot. 

There’s no coming back. Murrit has to move on from denial quickly because it’s really not doing anything for him.

Anger is also brief but keeps coming back. So far, a few old monitors have been smashed, two drones ripped apart and enough shutter shades are snapped to the point where Murrit really needs to order more. He can’t help himself, it just feels good to let it out. But of course, it’s not a long term solution and Murrit eventually has to move on.

Bargaining is a strange one. Murrit looks up ways to bring back the dead and scours every source he has of ways to do it, including Occeus’ work but nothing shows success. Murrit thinks about investing more into what Occeus is doing but holds back simply because he isn’t ready for Occeus to question why.

Depression is the worst of all because Murrit has never felt so pathetic in his life. Deep down, a part of him knows it’s normal and he really shouldn’t judge himself but then he looks in the mirror and sees the bags under his eyes and his unwashed hair and clothes and his respect for himself plummets.

It’s only been a week and Murrit feels like it’s been sweeps.

It’s only been a week and Murrit doesn’t know how he’s going to survive the sweeps to come like this.

—

Each message from his friends (and enemy) is different. They all have different ways of trying to help.

Sova is the most gentle. Her words are soft and doing her best to comfort. She tells him that though they don’t talk much, she’s willing to if he wants to say anything. She tells him that she can’t imagine what he’s going through but that she’ll try her best to help and to understand. 

Arcjec tries and Murrit has to give him credit for that. He tries to talk to him for a few days before eventually giving up, telling him he gets that he probably needs space. Arcjec does, however, tell him that sometimes too much space is numbing, and not in a good way. 

Jentha thanks him for the money and talks to him every day, even though he doesn’t reply back. She tells him that it doesn’t feel real. That it has to be some dream and that Dismas couldn’t possibly be gone. She’s lonely and she gets the closest to getting Murrit to speak because he feels responsible to look after her now that Dismas is gone. 

(Murrit places a few more cameras on her just to make sure she’ll stay safe)

Albion talks like she fully knows Murrit is reading her messages. She speaks of Dismas almost as fondly as Murrit does and tells stories like she knows it’s of some comfort. She doesn’t expect him to message back. She doesn’t even mention it. Patient as ever, Albion seems to know that Murrit will speak when he wants to speak, no sooner, no later.

(Murrit suspects that talking about Dismas is therapy for her too)

Serpaz is the only one who doesn’t even mention Dismas’ death. Instead, she sends him jokes and anything that she hopes will cheer him up. It’s unconventional but Murrit can’t deny it’s a breath of fresh air from everything else so he keeps on reading every message she sends.

Laivan is the most persistent about messaging him. Alone, he’s sent more messages than everyone else combined. He tries to give him space but then he can’t help but ask Murrit if he’s okay and trying to see if he’s still alive. He offers help in any way possible and even asks if he can somehow make his way over to his hive to see him, just to make sure he’s not starving himself or something.

(Murrit can’t deny that he almost messaged him too. Murrit did send a drone over to him, just to show him that yes, he’s still alive. That seemed to calm him a bit but not much)

Occeus’ messages are short and to the point. He tells him he’s sorry for his loss and that he’ll do everything he can to help him with the side effects to come. He tells him that if he makes a breakthrough in raising the dead, that Dismas will be among the first he brings back.

Taz is a bit awkward but she tries and that’s more than Murrit expected. At first, it’s pretty generic comforting that she’s clearly not used to but then, near the end of the week, she yells at him a bit for worrying everyone sick. Murrit can’t deny that it gets him to take care of himself a little better, especially since she aimed a low but effective blow in telling him that Dismas wouldn’t want him to sulk this much over him.

Calder expresses his sorrow for when he heard the news and offers to send him anything he needs. Surprisingly, he offers his counsel but Murrit doesn’t really consider taking it. He doesn’t think that would help much but a part of him finds Calder a little less insufferable for his efforts.

The last and most surprising of them all is Ellsee, who messages him on the last day of the week.

Ellsee tells him that despite their differences, she would’ve never wished this for him. She tells him that she’s felt the withdrawals before and that if he needs any help with it or advice or just someone to talk to, she is there. She tells him that she still doesn’t really like him but that she truly is sorry for his loss.

(Murrit, in a moment of weakness, decides to set up a camera for her too so he can keep an eye on her. In further weakness, he keeps it up later)

Murrit sees all these texts but he isn’t ready to answer any of them yet.

_Just a little more time,_ Murrit tells himself. _I just need time to deal with this._

—

The day Murrit leaves his hive, he manages to get off his island and the first thing he does is track down Dismas’ former lusus and slaughter him by all means necessary.

The skulltitan puts up a good fight but Murrit is full of grief and rage and before long, it’s torn apart and he takes great pleasure in it.

He’s covered in it’s blood from head to toe and he enjoys every second of it. He wishes Dismas could see him now, though then again, Dismas always did want to be the one to kill him in the end. Even so, it feels like he’s completed something Dismas would’ve wanted and it feels exhilarating.

Murrit steps into Dismas’ hive to clean up and reminisce about his late blackened soulmate and then he stops dead when he realizes he’s not alone.

Jentha stares at him, mouth open and Murrit, for once, is at a loss for words.

A long, awkward silence passes between them before Jentha says anything. She asks if he did what she thinks he did. Murrit tells he that if that translates to ‘Slaughtering his ex-lover’s bastard guardian’ then yes, he did do what she thinks he did.

They’re both quiet when he cleans up but eventually, Jentha asks him if he got her messages. Murrit doesn’t answer and she fills in the blank. Jentha asks how he’s doing. Again, she gets to fill in the blank on that too.

Murrit isn’t sure how it happened but at some point, once Jentha starts talking about Dismas, his wall cracks and Murrit is suddenly talking about him too. 

It’s good and bad and everything in between and Murrit has no idea how she managed to get him to talk about it in the first place but he does and it feels… Different. Not entirely good but not entirely bad either. 

Murrit eventually gets himself to leave before he really dives deep into his feelings but he can’t deny that some kind of weight has been lifted off his shoulders.

Jentha messages him later. Murrit responds.

—

Murrit doesn’t give any warning. No message ahead of time to announce his arrival or even that’s coming.

Laivan hears someone entering his hive and both him and his lusus are ready to attack any hostile intruder, and then he sees Murrit and the floor seems to disappear from under him.

Murrit gives him a smirk- a very Murrit-like greeting- but his eyes betray him.

In all his time of knowing him, Laivan has never seen Murrit so _tired._ He’s always been so careful not to show weakness, even to Laivan himself. Now he looks like with the wrong move, he’s either going to collapse or cry. Maybe both. Though knowing Murrit, he’s sooner going to die before he lets Laivan witness him doing either of those things, much less at the same time.

Murrit stumbles into his hive and Laivan can’t help but notice he looks thinner than usual. He instantly offers him a hand in walking and to his surprise, while he waves him off, Murrit doesn’t resist his help when he gives it.

It’s the most vulnerable he’s ever seen him. It’s actually frightening.

Because Murrit is, well, Murrit. He’s eccentric and confusing and the most intelligent guy he’s ever known while also being the dumbest. He’s hardly ever serious, unpredictable, and there’s probably fifty plus words he could use to describe him, but the biggest of them all is that Murrit is an enigma and he knows it.

Murrit has always been so careful with what he tells people. With his emotions. Because if you know anything about Murrit, it’s because he lets you know it.

And Murrit has never let himself be weak. Not to Laivan, not to anyone. Maybe not even to himself.

And now he looks about ready to fall apart.

Laivan ends up feeding him, listening to him ramble, playing a little video games with him all before eventually laying him down and getting him to sleep for the first time in probably too long for his liking.

Laivan tries to sleep but his mind keeps him awake because Murrit is not being Murrit and it’s too strange to process. 

He ends up messaging his Matesprite about the whole affair and Serpaz can hardly believe it herself when she hears about it. She offers to come help with him but Laivan tells her that he isn’t sure Murrit would want anyone else to see him like this and he wouldn’t want to betray that trust.

In the morning, Laivan wakes up to Murrit acting like nothing happened and completely normal. He still looks tired and he still looks a bit thin but he acts more like himself than he has in a week. Laivan isn’t sure if he should be relieved that he’s probably feeling better, or worried that he might be covering it up.

Murrit stays for half the day before leaving. Laivan almost wants to stop him but has to let him go.

If he needs him, he’ll come to him. He can’t force him to stay. 

Laivan doesn’t think anyone can force Murrit to do anything. It’s something he has to want to do for himself.

—

Albion has no idea why she’s up at an ungodly hour but she is. 

It doesn’t take her long to figure it out, however. One look at her mood ring and the flashes of different colors tell her what she wishes wasn’t true. Her emotional state isn’t as it should be.

In all honesty, it hasn’t been as reliable as it used to be. Her dreams get interrupted with memories and she wakes up with sorrow in her heart.

But, while it took a while to find a better solution, Albion has finally found how to calm down: Talking.

Sova and Taz have both been more help than either know. Murrit too, though he has yet to respond. She doesn’t blame him. Dismas’ death was devastating and the day she heard, Albion was more of a mess than she would like to admit. 

It is concerning, however. Albion only found peace in talking to others. From what she’s heard, Murrit hasn’t so much as said ‘Hey’ to Laivan.

Murrit is almost nothing like Albion to her knowledge, and yet, she thinks that even he is not immune to the hardships to come.

Albion finds herself messaging him before she can even process what she’s doing. She doesn’t stop herself however.

Albion likes to think she’s helping the both of them.

She writes to Murrit about how she misses talking to Dismas.

And to her surprise, Murrit responds that he feels the same.

Albion finds that while Murrit is an oddity to talk to, it’s not unpleasant. He’s acting like his usual self but Albion has a feeling that she can’t ignore. That he’s not being upfront about something.

She doesn’t say anything until he’s about to go sleep. Albion tells him he doesn’t have to cover up his feelings.

Murrit bids her a good night and says nothing more on the matter.

—

When Calder eventually speaks to Murrit, he finds that he’s acting a little different.

He’s not his usual self that Calder finds rather repulsive and an insult to who he used to be, but he’s not the man he used to admire so much either.

Murrit is somewhere in between. Both and neither.

It’s strange. Calder feels like he knows Murrit even less than he did before. Like there’s something he’s missing completely.

The topic of Dismas is inevitably brought up- Calder knew it would- but then he notices another shift in Murray’s way of speaking.

Less chatty. More straightforward. Less of the Murrit he knows and more something else.

He doesn’t stick around for much longer either. It sounds like an excuse to escape the conversation but Calder lacks the will to be disgruntled about it.

Calder rather feels bad for him. Breaking off a quadrant with someone is one thing, but being chemically bonded to someone and then they die?

It makes Calder want to loosen up just a bit when he’s talking to Murrit.

It also makes him want to get in contact with Serpaz and Occeus again.

Regardless of how things ended and how they were handled, if either died tomorrow, Calder would have more to add to his list of regrets.

(Not a physical list, of course. Not only does he have an unyielding mind that refuses to forget the past, but that would just be tacky)

—

Murrit read up on withdrawals to prepare himself for what was to start but nothing he read could compare to the real thing.

Murrit found treatments that lessen the effects and managed to grab some from corporate but it still hurts.

It’s an itch that can’t be scratched, no matter how hard he tries and Murrit really tries. 

His hands start shaking at one point. He clutches his Dismas body pillow as tightly as he can but it doesn’t do much to help. 

Even when the worst of it finally starts to fade, he still feels it.

Murrit looks up how long it takes to get over it.

He doesn’t like his answer.

He especially doesn’t like the part where he reads that the aching feeling in his chest will never fade. 

It hasn’t even been a sweep and Murrit is struggling to come up with ways to make it better. Ways to go back to the way it used to be.

Even though he doesn’t think things will ever be the same. Not when the best thing that ever happened to him is gone and likely never coming back.

Murrit can’t think of the last time he’s willingly talked to Ellsee but for the first time in who knows how long, he does. 

She’s surprised and a bit hostile upon first messaging her. Murrit doesn’t really blame her.

When he mentions the withdrawal, the hostility drops away immediately.

Murrit feels on edge talking to her, but then it occurs to him that they can’t play the game without Dismas and what he saw can’t happen. Not in this timeline at least. 

Not a pleasant thought but it makes talking to Ellsee more bearable. 

—

Murrit’s recovery is slow and painful and he’s never quite the same person he used to be but he survives it.

He only takes help when he’s desperate but he can’t deny he’s not sure he could’ve made the recovery he did without the help he gained. 

—

_(In an offshoot of the timeline, White Noise tells Murrit of his GodTier, Thief of Time and Murrit gets everyone to play the game._

_Murrit focuses almost all of his time on ascending to GodTier, and from there, stealing enough time to go back into the past, long before even starting the game._

_(A feat that should’ve been impossible with the rules of the game but the Witch of Doom bends the rules)_

_GodTiered Murrit makes sure Dismas never dies by sacrificing himself instead. It’s a heroic death that he doesn’t come back from._

_Dismas is shocked about some stranger saving his life and then dying. The stranger’s face is beyond recognition but the resemblance to Murrit is kinda uncanny._

_However, Murrit is still very much alive and laughs when he brings it up. Dismas huffs to himself and drops it. It doesn’t matter much anyways and Murrit’s only going to jab at him more if he presses._

_Though he can’t deny that when they play the game, Murrit’s GodTiered outfit looks awfully familiar…)_

**Author's Note:**

> Andddd that's it! Take a few notes from why I decided to write the way I did though,
> 
> \- I like to imagine that Jentha and Murrit would kinda bond since they were both so close to Dismas and loved him (though in different ways) so their relationship (along with Laivan's) was more emphasized
> 
> \- Some roles were more minor for one of two reason: Either they didn't have that big of a relationship with Murrit (or Dismas) to begin with, or I struggled with writing them. In one case, both. Occeus is great but I was so worried about writing him wrong that I had to cut it down.
> 
> \- How Ellsee and Murrit would interact was something I kept rewriting until I stuck with what I got now. Since Murrit doesn't really have much to lose, even if he plays the game or not, I kinda wanted to strengthen that relationship more. They're still pretty awkward around each other but both have experienced withdrawals and they kinda bond off of that
> 
> \- The last part is just something I thought of briefly. Since Murrit would look for anyway to bring him back, I thought about his GodTier and just kinda wrote it down.
> 
> Anyways, that's all, folks! I might do one of the reverse (Murrit dying and Dismas living) buttt I'm still figuring out what I would even write for that.
> 
> Comments are appreciated and encouraged! Thank you for reading!


End file.
